I am sitting on the train with hot tears drying on my face. Feeling relaxed after a good cry on the way to the station. Riding my bicycle along the same route that I walked with Ma and Madeleine multiple times while they were here brought the emotions forward.

Sadness is the emotion of loss. I need time to grieve the loss of having my mom here with me. Now I’ll have her on Skype but no hugs or carrying bags or overhearing her and Madeleine sharing notes and photos about their day.

After allowing myself a wet sniffly slobbery cry, I feel super chill and strangely warm even though it’s cold. Maybe it’s my new jacket that Ma gave me from the back of Jon’s closet. But definitely feeling relaxed after a nice cry. I don’t have to hold all those emotions in.

Tomorrow will be a new day as I head back to work, but for today just cry and cry like no one’s looking.

Allow yourself to cry if you need to.

21:35 same day

On this same subject I had a great cry in my men’s group today. Tears gushing, sobbing, deep gasping breaths. Gratitude for the men supporting me.

https://www.mkpjapan.org/

Sticking with the basics, we have joy and fear.

Joy

is how I feel when I have what I want, or I don’t want what I don’t have. I am aligned with what is, and have no need or desire to change it.

Fear

is the emotion which says I don’t have enough information. This is usually about an unknown future. I come to a proverbial fork in the road and could simply choose arbitrarily, but if there is a part of me that wants to choose the “right” option, I may feel fear about choosing the “wrong” option. This could paralyze me until I cannot choose without more information about what each option entails.

Next, we have sadness.

Sadness

is how I feel when I recognize I have lost(*) something. I had it, and now I don’t have it. I feel sad. The message here is simply to acknowledge the experience of having, whether it was an object, a pet, or a fellow human. This is what funerals are for: to acknowledge that the person who was with us is no longer here (in the physical sense). We take the chance to experience the loss in its fullness, allowing acknowledgement of the new situation so we can move on.

Anger

Anger is a slightly different emotion. There are a few different emotions that we lump together under one label. Generally speaking, anger is an emotion that comes up when boundaries have been crossed. So-called righteous anger could be when personal space or personal property has been encroached or taken.

In general, if emotions are held in the body, they can cause problems, so it’s best to express emotions as soon as possible so our emotional bodies run smoothly.

(*) Loss is something of a false belief in that I never had it in the first place, but this line of inquiry goes beyond the basics outlined here.