Entries this day: Gateway_data zzzz_Hitomi_helps_me_see_myself

Gateway data

1:38pm JST Friday 24 December 2004

It's been a few days since I've done this.

CD/track             Wave I / Discovery 5: Exploration, Sleep
body position        flat on back with legs bent
CD player            Panasonic SL-CT510
headphones           Audio-Technica ATH-T3
ambient temperature  19 C
clothing             red flannel pants, underwear, white T-shirt, red flannel shirt, knit cap
working nostril(s)   both, kindof
emotional state      calm, wide awake
physical             tight back muscles
head                 fine
stomach              fine
pain/soreness        left middle finger
phone/door	     off/locked
time allowed	     38 minutes
ambient light	     daylight through curtains
ambient noise	     construction noise outside my window
date/time            1:40pm JST Friday 24 December 2004
location	     Millenium House, room 20

2:23pm

I think I just need longer to go into Focus 10; nothing seemed to happen during the entire thing, though I began to fall asleep at the end. I'm going to go back to Advanced Focus 10.

zzzz Hitomi helps me see myself

11:17pm JST Friday 24 December 2004

I have a suspicion that Hitomi will try to spend the night over here tonight. I will actually be surprised if she doesn't show up, despite my clearly telling her "no; you can't sleep here tonight."

If she tries to sway me, that will be big trouble for our relationship.

11:29pm

Sleeptime now.

12:28am

I didn't expect that. She came in, woke me up, turned on the light, dropped off something, and flew back out.

Aww; she printed the application for Pb for me.

12:30am

oh god. She came back.

1:00am

I know from experience that we can have miserable conversation for hours, with me trying to explain why I need my space, and she asking me why I need my space and wondering if I don't like her or what is the deal.

So I just almost didn't respond at all. She asked me if I was still mad, and I was like, "no; I'm sad."

"Why?"

"Cause I told you that you cannot come tonight, but you still came over."

"Okay, byebye. But I don't know if I can get the train home."

I didn't respond. She didn't make it out the door, came back and flopped down on the bed (partially squashing me).

I realized that being squashed like this for too long would just destroy my lower back, so I squirmed out from under her and feigned sleep on the side of the bed.

No sleep, no talking. In my mind, I worked on forgiveness. I forgave her for coming over; I forgave myself for feeling victimized for letting this relationship happen. She stirred, and then left about 3-5 minutes before I decided to write this down.

There's no way she can take the train back home tonight. They stop running around 1am. She'll have to either take a taxi, call someone else, freeze her ass off outside, sleep down in the living room, stay in a hotel, sleep in an unused room in this building, or come back here. Wow; that's a lot of options.

1:12am

Okay. She hasn't come back; it seems she's gone for the night. I'm going to try and sleep again.

1:21am

In my mind, there appears a desire to go downstairs and see if she is okay.

I worked through from "the desire is so strong to go talk to someone, that I can hardly stand it," to the above by forgiving myself for judging myself as needy.

I wanted to go downstairs, but I stopped myself, imprisoning myself in my room for fear of not being able to control going downstairs.

I discerned what was happening there, left my room, checked to see if she left the building (she didn't / hasn't; her in-house slippers are not in the cubbyhole), and peed. Came back, locked my door, wrote this.

Going to sleep now. Internal personal growth is happening.

2:05am

She is definitely fired. She came back, cried profusely at the foot of my bed as I ran a mantra of "I forgive myself for judging myself as unable to sleep," through my mind. I gave her a blanket. She flopped onto the bed crying and shaking me near violently wanting to talk. I couldn't understand what she was saying, but once I asked her why she came; she violently got up, put covers on me in a passiveaggressive display of forced-affection, turned on the heater (which I had set to turn on at 7am) and just left the room. This is so bizarre, and so un-sleep-encouraging.

7:42am

Well.

I didn't get a full night's sleep, but I got a gift, if I c (*)

9:23am

(*) my computer battery died at that point. My computer battery sucks.

Also at that point, Hitomi demanded to know why I hadn't said anything to her.

It's cause I was fucking pissed to have been kept up so long, when I had planned to take care of myself.

- - - -

- - - -

Between 2am and 7:42am, she spent an hour or so on top of me, reflecting all my worst parts back to me.

I was going to write this here, but for the irony, I'm going to make a new entry.