Entries this day: AM Angst Source cks day night

AM

4:13am JST Monday 13 October 2003

It's super early and I'm awake. I've got to go back to bed or I'll be too tired when it comes time to get up for real.

Yasuchika wants to get a job in IT in the US, but doesn't want to make his situtation worse. I've tried to encourage him to get through his fears, but I don't want to push him where he's not comfortable or safe.

I need to follow my own advice and shake things up just a bit.

Angst

4:44am JST Monday 13 October 2003

HI Kim

I am up in the middle of the night thinking about my life situation.

Am having trouble discerning why I'm here in Japan, what I should
focus on.

Original goal:   Learn Japanese, then lead youth group tours to
Japan.    (This is part of a bigger dream of leading tours around the
world)

Different goal:  learn four languages by 2010 (arbitrary goal set to
better myself (as I judge knowing multiple languages is cool)  )

What I want:   to feel loved and free and beneficial to the world

Amazing idea I would love to do:   ride my bicycle around Japan and
Asia, just for the experience

Amazing idea that my ego wants:   become historically famous to Japan
by bringing mkp to Japan, thereby helping to change Japanese culture

What I want:   not have to fucking worry about money

Thorns in my side:  unfinished projects like 100s of emails in my
inbox, haven't written a mass email update lately,  not many pictures
on my website,

Sigh.   Thanks for listening.

I would love feedback from you.

Source

4:59am JST Monday 13 October 2003

There is a point inside my head from which thoughts originate. Different than my ego's thoughts.

I have considered this point my connection with my angels, my inner voice.. my true guidance.

This voice gives me the answers almost before the questions are generated. Like the thought form is formed, but before it is even translated into English, the answer comes and *the answer* can be translated before the question is translated.

Almost feels like I can see the thoughts come into my mind.

- - - -

It seems to have been a year since I've connected with this voice. I am thankful for its guidance.

comments

Name: j

Email: janette *redacted*

Subject: yeah? whud He say?

Comment:
so--- what did it say? we who love you want to know what he whom we love has to say to said love.
seriously, did you get some guidance in answer to your angst-driven query(what am i supposed to be doing?)?
i am curious. what has kept you from connecting with this voice for a year?
i am glad for you that you have access to your Self. that you have the ears to hear.
your journal entries seem to be building(there are more frequent references to your feelings of restlessness and confusion) to....an eruption? explosion?small quiet answer? decisive action?
i had forgotten that your seminal want was to be a tour guide. dude! that's a great idea. still. isn't it? you could get paid to travel with young people. what's wrong with sticking to that plan? i know you know how to get around, prepare,take charge.
as for mkp, what if you gave yourself one year to decide on the wisdom of that? would that take the pressure off? maybe something less gargantuan, yet as beneficial to you and the world, will present itself.
please forgive me if i am speaking out of turn. (whose turn was it ,anyway?) permalink

cks

9:41am JST Monday 13 October 2003

Kim wrote back to me. I'll call him in the next couple days to chat and get some external guidance.

day

9:46am JST Monday 13 October 2003

It's basically warm today, thinking about being hot. Awesome! I had concerns that we had seen the last of the hot weather for the season.

Mmmmmmmmm.

Today is my first day to work early on Monday. I'm arriving a tad later than I had hoped, but I think it will be okay.

10:01am

So. The shift swap request didn't go through; I'm "supposed" to be here at 1:20pm today like every other Monday I've ever come to work at Kawasaki.

Fuck. Steve remembers asking me to sign the shift swap request, and I did everything I was supposed to do, but it didn't get swapped. The request was at his/Nova's request to cover Stephanie's schedule (after she quit). I decided it would be cool to get my weekend started 4 hours earlier, so I was like "cool."

Bah.

Steve said sorry, but there's not much he can do. He will try and shift the schedule around a bit to let me do something this morning.

This is Friday for me, and it's the 13th. And I greedily bypassed Nakayama the monk so I wouldn't 'have' to give him a dollar.

I'll definitely express my non-impressedness to Neil.

6:47pm

One thing that impressed me least was that there was "nothing [Steve] could do about it," like Nova usagi doesn't empower its leaders to help the teachers. Just get ground through the beauracratic papermill. But Steve did swap some classes around so I only had to stay 1 lesson later than I would have had my 8 lessons started at 10.

Though my free lesson near the end of the day didn't stay free, it filled with a pretty student I haven't seen in a long time. Nice to talk to her again.

Didn't exchange contact information with her. I'm not as free with that anymore lately.

- - - -

Voice was fun; we talked about weather after an awesome storm blew through the area today. I woke up and it had rained, but the sun was shining and it was basically hot. Then in the afternoon a storm was just like rar, blasting wind and rain everywhere. An hour later the sun was shining again like what storm?

I got to tell them about hurricanes and tornadoes and cool storms we have in Texas.

night

1:11am JST Tuesday 14 October 2003

No fruit on the perl tree, but as of tonight, I'm published on rcdb.com! I took the 3rd and 4th pics for Hamu-Hamu Ouku.

After the quick response by Duane of rcdb, I sent him a couple more pics (of Fujiyama) and have decided to zoom to Yomiuriland on Wednesday to check out Bandit, which appears to be a pretty rockin' coaster!

I'll take some super high quality pics of stuff there and will be able to use that in my book. Sweet!

Okay. bed bed bedtime.

Got to be up in not so long to attend Japanese class.

I have 1013 yen to last through tomorrow.

comments

Name: j

Email: janette *redacted*

Subject: hamu-hamu ouku

Comment:
wow- congradulations!! so cool to see your name there. twice!

Name: TINA

Email: ORBANDPRINCESS

Quickly: Hahahahahaha!!

Subject: NOTHING MUCH

Comment:
MOTHER ROB,

HEY! I CAN TELL YOUR PRETTY BUSY OVER THERE IN JAPAN. BUT I AM BORED AT SCHOOL, WAITING FOR THE TIME TO PASS. WE HAVE A TEST IN ART HISTORY NEXT WEEK SO WE DONT HAVE CLASS THIS WHOLE WEEK. WHICH MAKES NO SENSE, SHOULDNT YOU REVIEW INSTEAD OF NOT HAVING CLASS??????????? BUT SO MY NEXT CLASS ISNT UNTILL 1 BUT ITS A COMPUTER CLASS..WHERE SHE JUST CLICKS THROUGH THE LESSON IN 20 MINUTES THEN WE LEAVE...SO I DONT THINK ITS WORTH MY TIME

HERE AT UH, WE ARE BUILDING A NEW SCIENCE RESEARCH BUILDING WHERE A PARKING LOT USE TO BE AND THEY ARE CONVERTING SOME OLD SECTION OF A BUILDING INTO AN ARCHITECTURE AREA....

ITS BEEN GREAT WEATHER HERE THIS WEEK, AND NICE COOL BREEZE.

I HAVENT BEEN GOING TO ECONOMICS. WANNA TEACH ME? OHHHHHH ON MONDAY, I SKIPPED BOTH ECON. CLASSES (MICRO-MACRO) BECAUSE IT WAS COLUMBUS DAY AND I THOUGHT IT WASNT FAIR THAT EVERYONE ELSE HAD OFF... AND I HAD A TEST IN MANAGEMENT AT 1130 AM SO I THOUGHT THAT WAS ENOUGH FOR THE DAY. WELL, I GO TO CLASS ON WED AND MY MICRO ECON TEACHER WAS ALL "I AM SO SORRY I HAD TO MISS CLASS ON MONDAY, SOMETHING CAME UP AND I HAD TO GO OUT OF TOWN, SOOOOOO SORRY"

AND I WAS ALL WOHHHHOOOOOO I GOT LUCKY! AND IN MACRO, WELL I DONT ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND THE LADY, SO I DIDNT REALLY MISS ANYTHING... :)

AT WORK, WE ARE DOING THIS PROMOTION FOR BROTHER BEAR....AND WE ARE MAKING A CAVE OUT OF CHICKEN WIRE AND PAINT AND STUFF...ITS GOING TO BE cool! ITS MY IDEA AND SUCH AND ITS TURNING OUT GREAT!

I AM THINKING ABOUT PUTTING UP MY CHRISTMAS TREE...BUT WITHOUT DECORATIONS, JUST THERE IN THE CORNER, QUITE LIKE A TREE.

OKAY, ENOUGH RAMBLING

HAVE A SUPER DUPER GREAT DAY MOTHER ROB!

-TINAP- permalink