Entries this day: Janette after_work

Janette

12:16pm JST Thursday 28 August 2003

Talked to janette this morning. From happy to crushed to stable again. Don't want to go to work right about now.

Thankful for janette's continued love and support. Afraid to break up with her. Never want to let her go. Have to. For some fucked up reason (self depricating) I have to.

What is the lesson? Fuck smart ass answerers.

How can I break away from adoration?

comments

Name: j

Subject: because

Comment:
what do you mean -self-deprEcating? you have to break up with me because you devalue yourself? wha...????

i wish you would have labeled it admiration instead of adoration. adoration makes me sound like a lovesick puppy.

you are thankful for my love and support. it is interesting that you do not mention how much you love and support me.

o rob

i thought you have to break up with me because you are not devoted to me. because you are not sure i am as good as it gets. because i am 17 years older than you. because you don't know how to love in the deepest, committed way. because your head is constantly turned by what might be. because i am not the one. because you are a fool. because i am a fool.

because we both know Just because we have respect, admiration,liking,LOVE, a beautiful physical fit,a love of sexual expression, FUN,spiritual understanding,because we inspire and encourage and embolden each other,because we nurture each others' growth and wellbeing, well.. that doesn't seem to count because um, what was the reason ? oh yeah-see above. or is it because i am not sure where to put the apostrophe in "other's" ?

does this sound a little hard? i am sad and i am covering it up with some anger at you for not recognizing me. i am mostly, as it always seems to *come down to*,upset with myself for putting myself under a spell. feeding an illusion that has not enough substance to stand up to reality.
the illusion being that the love i feel for you is reciprocated and is sufficient to feed itself and grow into bigger love.
the reality being that we are far apart. in time and space and and
i am tired.i love you. o rob, i will always love you.
goodnite.

Name: Ma

Quickly: Did you get earthquaked?

Subject: whassup?

Comment:
What happened with Janette? Is she still going to visit? permalink

after work

9:12pm JST Thursday 28 August 2003

Easy day at work. Hardest part was a four person class, but I only had to observe the class being taught for me. Nice. The instructor is Caroline, from Scotland. Fun accent.

Best part at work was the man to man lessons in the beginning and the man to man voice. Maybe I'll be chatting with some more students outside of class.