Entries this day: Stuff_and_junk night_out

Stuff and junk

6:36pm JST Sunday 18 May 2003

I am learning lots about myself while living alone in this big foreign city.

One thing I haven't learned about myself is that Eminem's music is being loudy featured on two corners near Shibuya station. This is a pretty packed bustling city for a Sunday evening. One spot was apparently selling Eminem concert tickets and CDs and shit. Their booth sat outside a CD store and loudly played something; I forget what. Another was just a video of the song Lose Yourself being blasted over the bustling din of the crowded intersection below.

What I have learned is that I'm intimidated to talk to people cause maybe cause I think they are too busy to talk to me, or I get scared about the language barrier. And then with all this Eminem shit going on I'm like damn he made it and he's younger than me. How did he make it? Why am I using Em as a role model? Fame. Apparent fame and riches and wonderful lifestyle which I know he doesn't have as completely as my brain maybe portrays.

I can sit and people-watch like this group of no they're boring. This girl wearing a booty bag of an outer space theme or dammmmm this cat with a huge fucking fro wig on. That's hilarious. Or these micro short skirts and spikey high heels (oh he just took his wig off and now it's on his friend's head)....

- - - -

Thanks to Eminem's lyrical encouragement in "Lose Yourself," I asked some guys where I could find an internet cafe. That was the success in itself. Not finding it, not using it. Well finding it, yes, but mostly just asking them. Getting over that silly fear in my head. Silly fear.

I got to the cafe, but I couldn't use my computer there. They did have one cool thing; wait service at the individual cubicles. Far as I could tell, a customer simply picks up a handset at his cubicle, and the front desk answers and takes their drink/food order. Awesome.

night out

12:39am JST Monday 19 May 2003

I'm home now after munching with Andrew et. al. at TGI Friday's in Shibuya. Met Allie, an Aussie from Maribara (? (3 hours north of Brisbane)) and Holly, a person from earth, and some other cats, some of whom I had previously met.

I enjoyed chatting with Allie; she seemed eager to embrace the Japanese experience. She's been here for 1 week and will attend her orientation tomorrow. I was like, "OJT sucks a lot" and Andrew and Holly were all sorta mockingly, "oh Nova's not that bad; it's great" and I'm like "no really it sucked, but persevere; it will get better."

We traded Nova stories, including mine today when a woman asked me about slang and asked about "gonna" and "cuppa coffee" and "fuck you."

I told her clearly that "fuck you" probably should *not* be used in any context, but that "fuck" has some applications in itself in very informal speech. But for now, she probably ought not use it.

Allie likes _Pulp Fiction_, which gives her good marks, but she doesn't like most of the popular films that I like. Why are these thoughts even in my head if I'm focused on janette?

In college I heard "it doesn't matter where you get your appetite, just so long as you only eat at home."

I can't say that I've gotten any kind of appetite that's more than passing, but the vehicle seems to be veering toward that side of the road at times.

- - - -

What was really bad, and I haven't mentioned this to anyone but you, so don't say anything was when I was teaching a kid at KQ; she was about 5 and she went to hug me and I was like freaked cause a hug is one thing that I want more than most things and I just felt this overwhelming longing for the biggest hug ever and I was just like mentally shredded as I slammed on the emergency brakes and threw the transmission into reverse and paddled backwards like Ralph and at the same time was all, "oh jeez please hug me," but she didn't; she was actually reaching for a marker or something and I was like oh shit that was nutty with a capital nut.

comments

Name: j

Email: dreamon *redacted*

Subject: don't give up

Comment:
oh baby. i wish i were there to hug you. i could use a big hug from you, too. i think that somehow this is a big, important growth lesson for you or it would not be so hard and you would not be going through some pain.
i feel so helpless when i read about these cute girls in your path. i'd like to blow then all away. i'd like to not take it personally.
all i can do is carry on here, be the best i can be, stay clear,just imagine being with you and trust you are living your truth, still clear when i come in september.
everything we have been through together,(the seperations,resultant correspondence,the growth we attained by working through hard stuff, the fun, the adventures, the sex, the long talks,laughing over goofy shit, even tears); everything we love about each other,(spiriutal, positive world views, our sense of humor, eminem, our connection to young people, our energy, our accomplishments, love of outdoors and walks and biking and sex); the way we believe in each other and inspire each other to be the best; these things are enough to keep us connected until we see each other again.
i see this 6 months as a great experiment . i've never done anything like this. i've never been seperated for so long from someone i love so much. i've never enjoyed sex as much as i have with you. i've never been with someone so strong in body and good intention. i've never had heaven and then watched it walk away. it feels like a test sometimes. like, if i work hard on being a success in my own right, if i learn how to love rightly, even from afar, i will earn the privilege of being with you again.
i know, i know. what i earn is my own self-respect. but i want your respect, too. and i want to be with you again. i want to know you know i am worth waiting for.
hold on. don't give in. you can do anything you set your mind to. permalink