Entries this day: Colleen Fame Maybe

Colleen

1:46pm CST Thursday 20 February 2003

Just chatted with Colleen in Corpus for an hour; so great to connect with her and see what's going down down in CCC-town (Colleen's Corpus Christi).

She's going to Mardi Gras in Galveston tomorrow night!

Fame

4:34pm CST Thursday 20 February 2003

I just had an interesting set of brainwaves about fame and stuff. I wonder how much this stems from a fear of being alone and not having friends, or a fear of letting people down.. versus the excitement of wanting to be famous and well loved and to create good and positive things in the world.

I'm moving to Japan for a year. There are some people with whom I'd like to stay in touch. (Janette, Wende, Maggie, etc) There are some people who I fancy would like to keep tabs on what I'm up to. (Dad, Ma, etc) There's a whole world of people and things for me to see and experience and write about, to share those experiences with other people that I don't know.

I could attempt to keep track of names and addresses, numbers of letters written, who sent emails most recently, what everyone is up to, ... really spreading thinly myself and my focii (emotional, physical, mental energies).

I want to keep in touch with some people on real, legitimate, shared communications, exchanging emails and letters. I might call these people my "friends." There are some people who have been friends with me and then things shift and we moved and graduated and don't see one another as often. (Gene, Dude, etc) Which of those friends do I continue to contact? How do I keep from missing any? (, , , etc) How do I maintain contact information for them all? Not everyone checks email each day. Not everyone has a snail mail address. Not everyone stays in one place forever.

There are some people (mostly women) that I "really want" to stay in touch with, and find that I don't have the energy to keep up with them all.

- - - -

As I first had this thought process rattling through my brain, I came to a possible solution of keeping a list of snail/e mail addresses and sending out snail/e mail updates of my adventures... I recognized this to be a form of pimping myself and a way to work toward becoming famous. How else does one (product/person/service/website) become famous besides advertising? It's either yammering word of mouth, billboards, TV spots, business cards, doing something 'newsworthy', etc. Being an interesting, helpful or useful prodcut/person/service/website keeps people coming back, increases word of mouth advertising.

So then I would become a self-aggrandizing cat walking around trying to be famous, under the guise (?) of keeping in touch with people.

Is that what I want to be?

- - - -

Ah, this is interesting. It seems that *everyone* says, "drop me a line, let me know how you're doing," etc etc. And they often really mean it:

!) They want to know how I'm doing
@) They want to feel loved (by thinking I think of them)
#) They like the way I write or tell stories
$) whatever else

(But!) Not as many people who say "keep in touch" keep themselves in touch with me. I certainly say it more than I do it.

So do I come back to writing to those who actually write to me? Keep track of who wrote what, when, how long, how carefully?

Of course it's not possible (not easily with current technology that I have available) for me to keep track of all that, and it's really not what I want to focus on.

- - - -

What I'd rather do is just run around and live my life climbing waterfalls and telling jokes, meeting people and learning new ways to shake hands, discussing music and learning new languages, inventing new games and telling old stories, pouring my heart out and supporting others in doing the same, kissing loving having sex and sleeping late until hunger calls.

(( I'm going to Japan because I wanted to get a job combining youth group leadership and overseas travel. I contacted a company that was all, "what in-country experience do you have?" (Um, 2 weeks in Australia?) So I figured if they want in-country experience, I'll move to Japan, live there a year and call 'em back. Teaching English happens to be something that I seem qualified to do.

I know a million more doors will open as I'm living there. I'll hear about other countries I want to experience, other waterfalls to climb, other sports to play, other music to create, other radio stations to DJ, etc etc etc etc etc etc ))

This seems like it's on the right track for what I want to do, and could certainly lead me to more waterfalls, people, countries, languages, games, etc etc.

- - - -

Optimally, I think everyone should take care of themselves: physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Everyone should basically do what they want to do when led by love to do it. The only way I know to affect that in the world is to do it myself. Do what I want to do when led by Love as guided by god and my higher self.

So what do I do? Write in my journal, transcribe old entries, be down on myself for not doing more? What the fuck is that about? I've traveled to Hawaii, enthusiastically told my waterfall story to Colleen, listened to adventures in her life with open heart, loving interest, caring soul. These things are good for the world! How can I possibly think I've not done enough today?

Maybe

6:37pm CST Thursday 20 February 2003

Maybe it's that I've not taken time to sit carefully, meditatively, listen to that still quiet voice within. Maybe I need to take a walk and find another sad looking horse that won't eat free grass.

Hmmmmmmmm.