Entries this day: Ultimate! higher_self its_done

Ultimate!

noon Saturday 29 September 2001

Wende came with me to ultimate today! That was the best part about the whole adventure. She and I were at Maggie and John's house, and she decided to come watch!

As we entered the field, we met Dahli (sp), a girl who was coming to play for a team that didn't have enough women on the team. Turns out, she was playing for Fluff, the team that I'm on! Best part about that whole thing is that she's great and helped us win the game; I know she personally caught 2 points. I threw one of them to her. At the end, when we won, I was like, that's it! We did it! And she was all, "that's it?" yup.

One of their women twisted her ankle; putting her out of the game. So again, actually; it was a game in which we won partially because they weren't fielding enough people. Our chant at the end recognized this:

Last we the games were moated off
The name of your team is Voted Off
Our name is Fluff
We would have been stuffed
But one of your players was toted off

Nice!

After the game, I ran around with Scout, Molly and Will's dog for a bit, and then Maggie came to pick up Wende so I could use the truck and go meet with Kim Sawyer, my personal coach. He gave me a lot to think about.

higher self

##4:30pm Saturday 29 September 2001

Conversations with Higher Self, Take One.

Rob: what is going on?

HS: Well, it depends on the point of view. From your point of view, you are in a whirlwind of craziness and don't know where you are. You are blinded by the emotions and not trusting that you have a direction. From my point of view, you are simply in another life issue, and have several options to choose. Some of these options will allow you to get past this issue; to learn its teachings. Some choices will simply put off the issue until later. You can even choose to look at it next life time if you want.

Rob: Wow. Hey, I hear Wende out there. Should I stop and go say HI?

HS: Not if you wish to stay in this groove of communication.

Rob: Do you have a recommendation on this issue of whether to choose Wende or not?

HS: I don't; only you can figure it out..

Rob: I just told her that I love her. Can I know what love is?

HS: Love is multi-faceted. On one level, love is an emotion that results in good feeling chemicals flowing through the body. On another level, love is a life path - a set of guiding steps to live one's life. Love can help others or help oneself. Love that helps oneself will ultimately help others. Understand that most of all. If you love and take care of yourself and do what you need to do for yourself, then ultimately everyone around you will benefit.

Rob: What do I think love is?

HS: You think love is sex. You think that love is a set of actions that one does in order to love someone. Effort given toward another or toward oneself to make things better - to reach a higher spiritual state. It's actually more than that. Love is a 4th dimensional thing that cannot be expressed, but it does actually exist. Love is not just actions or feelings, but love does actually exist. Love is the lifeblood of the universe. Love created all and all is actually love.

I know that seems confusing; you got on a tangent as I expressed the thought. You don't need to understand love at that level in order to do your work here. In fact, understanding love at that level is a little bit like cheating yourself at this level. You can know love at that level, and you will probably know love at that level in this lifetime. You will definitely know love at that level in your next lifetime. And in between lifetimes, of course.

Rob: I heard you say You, as in me. How am I separate than you?

HS: You almost heard it; I have a name; I am an entity that is always with you (on one level), and will always be able to give you the right answer at that moment. Kinda like the woman in the Matrix - she gives the right information at the right time, but it might not be the truth. There are times that you can know the truth, and times that you ought not.

Rob: May I know your name?

HS: You will hear my name later today, and if you are listening, you will notice. But, Higher Self is fine. You can call me anything you wish.

Rob: Cool. What about telling Maggie that I have fundamental problem with relationship with Wende?

HS: Do you have a fundamental problem in relationshp with Wende?

Rob: I don't know. Kim was saying stuff like it's possible that I do.

HS: Kim is very wise, but doesn't know everything. He'll be the first to tell you that. Except for me hahahaa, but the concept of a fundamental problem in a relationship is simply how much trouble do you want to go through in order to be with someone? You can go choose to be in relationship with someone who is totally unavailable, and you will have difficulty and may end up looking totally deluded in societies eyes. You can have a relationship with Madonna, or Maggie, or Meredith, or Queen Elizabeth, and they are all fine and well, but some will help you with your life path, and some will not. Some will give you good positive overall energy, some will not.

No relationship has a net energy of 0. In the best relationships, each partner ends up drawing positive energy from the universe, an infinite supply of love. I say each partner no matter what entity that represents. Could be a country, could be several people, could be every person in a family unit. If the relationship is most perfect, each individual gains love and positive energy as a result.

Rob: And my relationship with Wende?

HS: You are pouring a lot of energy into the lack of sex in the relationship. You are continually looking to get sex, to get her to be sexual with you. This is not going to work the way you intend in the way you are pursuing it. It might for a moment, but you are pouring energy at a black hole of sorts. The sexual relationship that does not exist between you and Wende is actually in each of your minds. You see it as the end all be all most important thing, and Wende sees it as something that is a necessary part of the relationship, but is not actually the relationship.

Rob: And?

HS: Listen. That is love. Wende and Maggie interacting in a positive relationship in which both people are putting energy into the relationship, and each person is actually getting out of the relationship more than they put in. Wende loves Maggie; Maggie loves Wende. They both want for one another what is best for one another.

You interact with Wende at this level on occassion, but it has been rare lately. When she gave you space to hang with me, that was an act of love. You taking that space was an act of self love - taking care of yourself. Ultimately you will find that taking the time to take care of yourself will bring more love an awesomeness and love into your life than it take energy out of your life. This is a concept that many people can use, but few heed. Most people are looking outside of themselves for good vibes, and try to do the right thing either for other people before taking care of themselves first, or doing that which seems like the right thing for themselves when actually they are blocking their own energy from being properly expressed to the universe.

As people love themselves, they become conduits for universal love. You are walking into a trap with the way you are in relationship with Wende. The sex will ultimately get worse; you will cheat on her; you guys will be divorced in about 5 years or extremely sad in the relationship.

You must take time for yourself. A year is a good start. From that point of view, you will be more able to see who you are, to see how you can be a conduit for love in the universe. You will have a great ability to communicate with me (if you keep practicing), and your life will be eschelons better than where you perceive it to be now.

Rob: What must I do? What do you mean live alone? How alone? No girls at all?

HS: You don't think you can live without sex from another woman, or the internet which is actually sex within your own mind and definitely part of perpetuating your addiction. Living alone does not mean living without sex, but from your point of view, right now, it does. In order to meet yourself, you must recover from sex addiction. That thought you had just now about sending this to Cindy is a sex addiction thought. You are hoping that she will keep herself available for you, which really would stunt her spiritual growth if she did it.

So back to the point - right now, you have to be non-sexual. Go through the withdrawal. go through the 12 steps. it will be the hardest thing you think you have ever done. And it will be if you think of it that way. You have the option, however, to find great support in 12 step meetings. You have a great understanding of the calibre of work that must be done. You can do it. You can do it.

To get the relationship with yourself that you want, and the relationship with a woman that you want, you must do the work first. No other way around it. I will be right here with you to help you heal and pereceive the emotions and cry and all the stuff that is necessary. Just like you healed yourself from skating accident, you can take a fast track on sex addiction healing, but it won't seem as fast when you are in it. It will seem to take forever and you'll want to quit, but you can do it. You can do it.

Ironic, isn't it. [Maggie on the phone to someone saying that Rob is choosing to grow up and work on the relationship] The growing up that she is describing you don't have to go through. Not in quite the way she is thinking. You are going through a process that is grander and more loving than simply a hardening into becoming an adult.

Rob: What do I do right now?

Go out there; be yourself. Tell them you are not sure again; tell them the truth.

its done

10:30pm Saturday 29 September 2001

Well, it's done. It's official. Wende and I are broken up. I am proud of both of us; we both stepped through our fear and emotions and went to eat dinner with the gang, given that we were at Maggie and John's house, and everyone was munching dinner.

I also feel more comfortable with my decision this time because Maggie was there for it and I saw her continue to love us both. I'm thankful for that.

For now, I am living in the guest bedroom, with the cats. We'll see how stuff progresses in the morning.

We are looking for different ways to not sell the house. I'll continue to pay for it whether I live here alone or if Wende lives here alone. If we both live here, something may have to be done about the cats living in my room with me.