Entries this day: a-tough-time-in-adelaide lunch-time-in-adelaide

a tough time in adelaide

Amazingly(?), I'm having a tough time in Adelaide with Jess.

Last night upon arrival from Perth, I paid for a taxi to quickly go where we'll be staying. Great time talking with the taxi driver and even exchanged numbers on WhatsApp. She greeted me and showed our room where I put my bags. I asked for a hug and she demurred, saying we can hug after I have a shower. Ummm okay, so I took a shower, imagining there were actually two people; one who greeted me, and then I'll get to see Jess after my shower.

I finished my shower and ended up sitting on the corner of the bed ostensibly in meditation and to ground myself; releasing expectation for physical contact.

Jess came in and I asked for hug. She gave me one, saying she had wanted to protect her energy from anything I may have picked up while traveling, so had me shower first.

At the dining room table, I shared about my weekend while Jess wrote notes on what looked like scratch paper she uses for to do lists.

Jess shared some of her recent wins, after which I offered to give her a kiss as a celebration. She said, "it sounds like you want a kiss.." and gave me three kisses: two on the forehead and one on the lips.

She helped me soak my left foot which has a stubborn skin condition, and then I headed off to sleep.

I woke up early and pet the cat who was meowing for attention. He had dry food in the bowl so I just pet him a bit.

Jess got up later and gave wet food then showed me how to clean one of the litter boxes. I took the lid off the other to help her clean it and Jess said, "you don't do it that way."

Instead of escalating, "yes I do!" I left the room, while she said, "you turn it like this." I didn't have the capacity to watch Jess's suggested way of rotating a cat box.

I walked away wondering what the heck happened. I was trying to be of service and received unexpected (unwanted) correction on how to access a cat litter box. I've had cats for far(!) longer than Jess, so I think I can handle cleaning litter.

After she finished with the litter, Jess came into where I was standing, facing out the window. I tried to explain why I did it my way (defending myself). She escalated self defense with "you don't have to take the lid off. The owner even showed me, but you just walked away," and I just cried. "I'm leaving," I thought, and went to pack my things, crying, sobbing into my clean laundry (which I washed yesterday in Perth).

Jess came in and I imagined she might be holding space for me, so I looked up to face her so we can put this behind us. But she was sleeping so I left her and wrote this as a catharsis.

lunch time in adelaide

After writing the previous entry, I went to the bed to hold space for Jess while she slept beautifully. I caressed her hair the way she likes and held her hand gently until she woke up. She cuddled me a bit and held space as I cried more.

She said it's best to not have expectations, and suggested I do Ho'oponopono for that part of me who has expectations. I didn't do that, but I did cry and tell myself it's okay to feel this way.

I hoped going to lunch would clear things up. We went to a nearby cafe which she and Ruri had visited yesterday. Jess cheerfully offered nice conversation, asking about my food and commented on the flavors.

I held her hands and thanked her for nice words even when I'm not in the mood for nice words.

I paid for lunch, dessert, groceries.

On the way back I asked if her hand was available for holding. "Well, I'm holding the keys."

Best to not have expectations that she could put the keys in my pocket, or back in the bag where they had been for 98% of our outing.